Ramlal's day in Jaipur to see Salman...!

Ramlal had heard about some festival happening in Jaipur. He had no connection with the literature world even remotely. The only books he read were the text books up to fourth standard in school.

Ramlal said to his friend sipping tea from his glass,” Do you know Shamlal, that there is some festival going on in Jaipur currently?”

Shamlal said,” Oh yes, I overheard while someone mentioning it yesterday. I think it is some kind of an exhibition or something. Are they selling cattle? Or is it a mela of some sorts?” ”

Ramlal said,” I am not sure exactly. But I heard Salman is coming to attend this event. I think he is coming to promote his next release ‘Ek tha Tiger…!”

Shamlal looked interested. He said,” Vow… that is fantastic. I wanted to see him for a long time. Now that he is coming to Jaipur, we can see him. I am his fan since the ‘Maine Pyar kiya’ days.”

They decided to go to the exhibition on Sunday, their weekly off day.

As they approached the festival venue, Ramlal said,” Shamlal, why are these people looking so different from normal people? Everyone seems to have a different kind of beard or hair style. Many have over grown hair... Don’t they have enough money for a nice clean hair cut?”

Shamlal also looked puzzled. He commented,” And see their long cloth bags hanging from their shoulders… As if they are here to buy vegetables.”

 Ramlal also noticed that all these people had some serious expressions on their faces. He assumed that they were all SRK fans and that is why they were not happy to see Salman khan. So they were serious.

Ramlal asked one of person there,” Sir, We are here to see Salman. Where is he?”

The person emphatically started off,” No. Salman is not here. He shall not be coming here either. We shall not allow him to come here. He is banned from attending this festival.”

Shamlal interrupted,” But why sir, is it because he killed some Chinkara or something in Jodhpur few years back? He was also in jail for a few days because of that.”

The person looked confused. He said,” Oh is it? See, he is not the right guy.”

They went further. This time Ramlal asked another person,” Sir, when is Salman coming here?”

That person said in an upbeat mood,” He will be here. There is a strong opposition for him, yet we will be successful in bringing him over. Already, we read out some of his works earlier.”

Ramlal thought, ‘Read out? What did they read out? May be some of his famous dialogues, like ‘Mai jab ek bar commitment karta hun to phir apni bhi nahi sunta’ or the more latest, ‘Mujhpe ek ehsan karna... Ke mujhpar koi ehsan nahi karna....’

The idea of someone reading out Salman’s dialogues thrilled him. If they allowed him, he also was ready to dish out a few of his old hit lines.

As they were standing there, there was suddenly a commotion and people scrambled to catch the glimpse of an African looking lady. And they were surprised to see the attention given by all around them, when she spoke in phirangi accent. The only thing they could make out from people who spoke about her was that she would win fried chicken in Opera house somewhere.

Ramlal and Shamlal assumed that the excitement in people was because she announced some news about Salman’s arrival plans.

As they stood wondering about what to do, they heard from someone that since Salman shall not be coming, there shall be some video--- something. They were disappointed that finally, in the name of Salman, they would show his movies on video. This was not fair.

And by the time they left, they heard that even his video would not be shown. A day was wasted by them looking for their hero.

The next day, as Ramlal was walking past a shop near bus stand, he saw in papers a photo of an old looking bald man with round spects with sharp eyes on the front page. And he overheard that he was Salman.

The makeup men are doing a good job these days, thought Ramlal.

But the real face of real Salman and the real face of fictitious protestors are still hidden.    

Forget age...where is your dignity, Mr.General?

For last few weeks, the national media is debating on what is the age of Indian Army General. Various people are giving their opinion on what should be his age based on the credentials available in the official records.  

But first and foremost thing – is the age of an Army General a topic for media discussion? Has the sanctity of his office fallen so low that he has to plead and even challenge the authorities to re-consider his age, which is apparently is in contradiction with some of the testimonials available with the army?

This is a very unfortunate situation when a serving army has taken the government to court over as petty issue as dispute of his age. By doing so, the army general has demonstrated that he wishes to continue in the office for another year. But at what cost? Definitely he has lowered the dignity of the office by publicly and overtly displaying his penchant for continuation in the office beyond his retirement age.

If VK Singh had precipitated the matters relating to India’s safety, it is very much acceptable. If he had brought out his differences with the government over the quality of arms purchased, he would have been hailed. For that matter, his any dispute with the government on issues relating to the national security would have been much appreciated. But, to show differences at fag end of his career over an issue as low as another year in service is very demeaning of himself and the office occupied by him.

Bhagwad Gita has mentioned that one should be having a ‘detached attachment’ with all material things in this world. Because these things come and go while what remains is our ethics and values. When a person tries to hold on to the material things, the problems begin. One should be graceful in giving away things at appropriate time, instead of trying desperately to cling on to it.

Incidentally, the government has nothing to lose in its fight against the general on this issue. Because, the government is a system and not a person. In government, the responsibility is collectively held by a group of people. But on the other side, it is the person, Mr. VK Singh. It is his character, his ideology, his mannerism which is on display.  

The image of our country has definitely suffered a setback because of the fight between the army general and the government. While the government has already suffered a credibility loss in past couple of years over the gigantic corruption cases, this episode exposes the weakness of the Indian armed forces. 

Everyone knows how powerful the position of chief of armed forces is in our neighboring country. The chief of armed forces has taken over the power in a military coup on four occasions in past 60 years. Can anyone think of that army general going to court over such disputes? He simply overturns the government. Then, shall it be deemed as the weakness of the position of chief of Indian armed forces to even wildly imagine doing something like that? What value and respect the global leaders would have for the Army general in India?

This impasse also exposes the egocentric attitudes and weak communication channels that exist between the armed forces and the government. It would have been a far better idea to arrive at an amicable solution through discussions and arguments. The deal, done in a closed environment, on such an issue, is always more honorable than what is happening now.

Already the Supreme Court has shown indications of ruling in favor of the government.  So, what moral authority will he have to face his successor? He will be ridiculed, chided and joked around for his endeavors to remain in power. This trait was seen in all the ministers and politicians in the past. If the officers in armed forces also start attempting this, then it is a disaster.

So, an am admi is compelled to ask… forget the age, where is your dignity, Mr. General?

Top 10 Jokes of Kalmadi

As the news of Suresh Kalmadi’s release broke out, there is a new wave of jokes on Kalmadi doing rounds.

Here is a collection of top 10 jokes.

1.

Judge (to Kalmadi): You are released on bail for a surety of Rs. 5 Lakhs.

Kalmadi: “Sir, I shall pay the amount. But please give me a receipt for Rs. 5 Crores.”

2.

Two beggars were discussing in Pune.

One said,” Why are you looking so afraid?”

The second said,” I heard that a person is coming to Pune, who has robbed everyone in this country. We are the only ones left from his clutches so far. I am worried whether he will loot us as well.”

3.

Fed up with his jokes, Kalmadi went to the CWG stadium to commit suicide.

He hanged himself, but the ceiling fell down.

4.

Why is the jailor of Tihar jail getting bored these days?

Because he does not have a company for high tea every afternoon.

5.

Kalmadi went to pay the surety amount of Rs. 5 Lakhs in cash counter in the court.

He paid Rs. 10 Lakhs and said,” Keep the change.”

6.

Why the animals in Zoo were unhappy with Kalmadi?

Because when he visited the zoo, he became the centre of attraction.

7.

Why the world back was Chairman happy?

He was very hopeful of revival of world economy after the release of Kalmadi.

8.

Why there were no terrorist threats during the CWG in Delhi last year?

Because the terrorists were afraid to visit the stadiums fearing for their own safety.

9.

Why the environmental engineers were consulted to plan Kalmadi’s visits to court from jail during his trial over 9 months?

It was a case of ‘Hazardous waste transportation management.”

10.

Our religious scriptures prescribe that every human being spends at least 9 months in Varanasi to cleanse himself of all his sins.

For some special people, a stay for 9 months in Tihar jail is sufficient enough…!

What’s wrong with Indian Test Cricket?

The sun has finally set on Indian Test Cricket…!

As the third test of the ongoing series ended with India losing the match with innings defeat, there was a very gloomy atmosphere among the millions of cricket lovers across the country. Everyone was wondering what has gone wrong with India. In the last two decades, India has rarely been so comprehensively beaten in so many matches in a row.

It is widely and wildly speculated that many senior’s heads will roll after this series. It may bring an unfortunate end to very glorious careers of some veterans in Indian test cricket. These players needed a more honorable exit commensurate with their memorable performances all these years.  

Let us analyze some reasons for this abject failure of Indian team in consecutive two overseas series.

Too much Cricket

As an old adage goes, “Too much of anything is too bad.” If we look at the calendar of Indian team, we realize that they have been almost playing nonstop for the past few months. There is some series or other, in some format or other, in some part of the world. In earlier days, people used to wait for the cricket season to begin and wait for the matches. The vanishing crowds in stadiums are a testimony to the overdose of Cricket that is being played out today. The players making centuries or hat tricks in such low crowds are surely deprived of the standing ovation, which they naturally deserve for their achievement. The sparse crowds make one doubt whether it is an international match in progress of a state level league match...!

With so many matches being churned out, the players are getting fatigued out. Their bodies are getting tired out of excessive playing. A good day on field leaves a normal cricketer tired and in most cases bruised. There is a time required for healing and recovery. Instead of proper rest, if the players continue to keep playing, then there is bound to be a backlash. A time comes when their bodies do not support their intentions. Their concentration levels drop and the results are obvious.

As a standard practice, there should be a cap on how many matches the team plays every year. Then this factor will get addressed.

T20 Format – The performance killer

When the one day format was introduced, people speculated that the test matches would die. It did not happen.

But, with advent of T20, the Indian Test cricket is surely facing a realistic threat of dying down, that too much faster than anticipated. In the last two years, how many test matches played by India have been ended in a draw? Very few! Many matches did not see the third session of fifth day. That is because; there is an inherent desire to go the T20 way. A person, who spends more time on race tracks, usually drives on the roads also in similar speeds.

There are different strategies required to win a 100 meter race and a marathon. However, when people try to use the same techniques in different games, then there is a problem. It looks so absurd, meaningless and ridiculous to think that the players are not having enough concentration and stamina to stay on the crease for few hours? They better not play test cricket, if they can’t mend their ways as per the situation requirements.

Age factor – the inevitable Truth

With due respect to their individual capabilities, it must be acknowledged that there is a limit to everything in life. Amitabh Bachchan cannot expect to play the angry young man in movies forever. Ratan Tata cannot be the chairman of Tata Empire forever. Lata Mangeshkar cannot continue to sing in her golden voice forever. So also, the great batsmen of our times, Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman cannot continue to play the same game year after year.

These players have made significant contribution to the Indian cricket during their prime time. It is wrong to expect such performance from them at this ripe age. They need to gracefully retire and bask in the past glory rather than continuing to play and dilute the glory with each passing match.  

And for those who think that the Indian team shall collapse without them, sorry. The team is not doing any wonders as of now. And it is grossly wrong to assume that anyone is indispensable in this world. The graveyards are full of people who assumed that they were indispensable at one time. The world is still surviving.

Resurgent Australian and England teams

It is sheer unfortunate coincidence for Indian team to have played two overseas back to back series against two formidable resurgent teams. Both Australia and England have had their rough patches in the past and now they are almost raring to go. It makes a lot of difference to one’s psyche when you start losing matches in a row. It is like when you don’t answer three consecutive questions in an interview; your confidence to answer the fourth question is very low, even if you know the answer very well.

It must be acknowledged in all fairness that the performance of Indian team while playing in India has been better than while playing outside India. This statistics holds good for team, players, captains, spinners, fast bowlers, in short everyone. However, the rout in England followed by a disastrous start in Australia has affected the morale of the team very badly.

Media hype affecting performance

The media is playing its role in creating a hype, which is blowing out of proportion and putting additional burden on the players to perform. The media has publicized the most awaited 100^th 100 of Sachin to such an extent, that he is under undue pressure to get it. On the eve of every match, people come up with some weird calculations and hopes as to how and why Sachin shall definitely score a century in this very match. And after the day’s play, they come out with disappointing notes on supposedly under-achievement and the wait for next Muhurat.

Then there are many who vigorously advocate for conferring the highest civilian award, Bharat Ratna on him. And there are those who strongly oppose this, saying that this would dilute the importance of this award. Even the all time brilliant batsman like Sachin gets affected by this much publicity and it affects his performance.

Dhoni has been an enigma from the beginning. His style and mannerism has earned him the nickname ‘Captain Cool’. But his charisma has been fading a bit in the last few months. If anyone looks at his statistics in first half of his career and the second half of his career, he is sure to find a big difference. The maverick tricks and the unusual strategic moves of Dhoni have not rewarded him in recent times. This is putting him under some sort of pressure because of depleting self confidence.    

Complacency and Arrogance

After India won the world cup last year, a sort of complacency crept in the mind set of the players. Added to that, they held on to the Numero Uno position in test cricket ranking for some months. These factors made some of them arrogant too. The behavior of some of them on and off the field left much to be desired.

Also, many senior players are getting showered so much money in the T20 format and glamorous modeling assignments that anything which gave them lesser remuneration, fails to get their best performance. This is a dangerous trend and need to be monitored closely and controlled by the BCCI.  

Is there a Coach?

All religious scriptures assert the importance of Guru in achieving anything. The same logic applies here too. A good coach is one who is supposed to understand the pulse of the team, know the weakness and strength of each player, have extended practice sessions with players on improving their weaknesses, make new strategies keeping the opponent’s strengths in mind, review the progress of each player on a daily basis and make amendments in practice sessions to improve it further. In short, a coach is a friend, philosopher and guide for each player.

Sadly, Duncan Fletcher is not doing many of the things mentioned above. If he is there, as a part of the baggage which moves around with the team, then sadly, it does not serve the purpose. The position of coach of Indian cricket team is not an expensive resting place for retired player. He needs to be more accountable than the players themselves. He has failed more than the players. He has ruined the aspirations and moods of millions of Indians.

 In the end…

Finally, the Indians take solace in philosophical saying that ‘this too shall pass…’

All Indians fully sympathize with the players and share their agony. We know that there are always good time and bad times. We need to support one another in bad times.

The sun will rise again soon… for it is totally dark now.

Urgently required... a small child for the Congress...!

Once upon a time, a tailor came to a King’s court and said that he was the best tailor in the world and he can stitch a special type of royal dress, which ONLY wise men could see. The king was impressed with him and ordered him to stitch one such dress for him. The tailor took measurements and went. The word spread around that the tailor is going to stitch a special dress for the king, which only wise men could see.

The following week, the tailor came with the dress. He opened a bag in the court in front of all and showed the dress. There was nothing in his hands. At first people could not believe their eyes. However, they could not make any negative comments about the dress, since it would have meant that they were not wise. Everyone pretended that they were seeing a dress in tailor’s hands. Even king praised the dress, for fear of exposing his wisdom. Within few minutes, everyone knew that there was no dress, yet they praised the texture, design, fitting etc.

The King, after removing his clothes, hesitantly wore the ‘new dress’ and took out a procession. As the king’s procession began, people on streets started laughing in their minds about the king’s foolishness, yet openly they only praised the special dress. This went on, till a small child from the crowd shouted,” See the king, who is in his Chaddi and Banyan…!”

This triggered the murmurs, which only grew louder that the king was actually not wearing any dress as such. Soon the king also realized that there was no any special dress that he was wearing.

Today, the Congress is projecting Rahul Gandhi as its Yuvaraj. The senior Congress leaders know very well that he does not have the qualities required for a being Prime minister. Yet, the Congress party is giving him more and more assignments, thereby increasing his responsibility. He has not yet won a single election decisively. He has not made any powerful speech in parliament on any grave national issue so far, except the so called ‘game changer’ speech made on the Lokpal issue, which he read out during the zero hour.

He has campaigned for several state elections in the last few years and the list of Congress candidates losing their deposits has only grown bigger.

Currently, he is entrusted with the UP elections. He is touring across UP and making speeches repeating everywhere that the elephant is eating money and that BJP is communal. He is also making some incoherent statements like ‘BJP has sold Ram earlier and now Kushwaha has purchased BJP’. By any stretch of wild imagination or complicated logic, this statement does not make any sense either in part or full. After the Delhi high court blast, he had made a statement that the intelligence agencies in India are preventing 99% of the blasts…!

Yet, the Congress is pushing him more and more into the forefront. If Sonia pushes him, it is understandable, because it is human nature to love one’s son. But what has happened to the other leaders in Congress? Do they really believe that he will win them elections? Are they not risking too much by riding on his shoulders?  

The cracks in UPA allies have already started appearing. Mamta Banarjee is challenging the Congress supremacy and daring to part ways at all levels. Sharad Pawar is not having any inhibitions in voicing his desire to review continuation of the alliance with Congress in Maharashtra. DMK is already bruised so much that they are sure to call quits at an appropriate moment. Without these three allies, they would be a poor minority in parliament. In such a scenario, even support from Mulayam and Laloo would not suffice to build up the requisite numbers.

Till how long will the Congress leaders praise the ‘special dress’ worn by Rahul? When will a child shout and say that there is no special dress in reality? Till that happens, the Yuvaraj is going to go berserk with all his amateurish talk and the poor Congressmen will have to keep defending his actions and words.  

A small child is urgently required by Congress… who can dare to speak the truth…for its own benefit..!

What if Hamid Ansari was a...…!

Last week, when the entire nation was watching anxiously the action packed drama being ‘enacted’ in the Rajya sabha, Hamid Ansari unexpectedly brought down the curtains resulting in an anti climax. Just like Obama along with his core team was watching live the ‘Kill Osama’ operation in Abbottabad at midnight, the team Anna (and the nation) was also watching ‘Kill Lokpal’ operation by the politicians in Rajya Sabha. And no doubt, they did an excellent job out of it.

The expertise with which the members of Parliament killed Lokpal, everyone was left awestruck and dumbfounded. There was a murder happening in front of live cameras watched by national audience, yet all the culprits came out ‘victorious’ with their version of the story, which exonerated them of any wrong doing and held other parties responsible.

During the entire discussions in Rajya Sabha, the congress challenged BJP and the opposition parties to show courage by passing the bill and not delay the process by endless debates. The BJP and other parties ridiculed the bill by proposing 187 amendments and said that they cannot pass a substandard bill. Both are right and yet both are wrong. The fact is that none of the parties are really interested in that bill. They were only trying to scuttle the bill without owning the responsibility for its failure.

In peak winter, if a person suffering from cold is offered a sweater, he will not examine it or study its texture and suggest changes to its neck or length. He will wear it anyway, because it protects him from cold. So, if someone refuses to accept the sweater and instead emphasizes on the giver the alterations to be done in the sweater, then there is something wrong. Either the cold or the sweater does not exist in reality.

If the discussions and mindless acts of some members were nonsensical in nature, the end was even more bizarre. The members and the nation were made to believe that the Rajya Sabha proceedings could not continue beyond midnight, and that they had to be stopped at the stroke of midnight just to honor the constitution irrespective of whether any meaningful result has been achieved as a result of the past three days marathon discussions. This rule has been subsequently disputed by many constitutional experts. And that is why, if Hamid Ansari was legally correct in his action, he was ethically wrong; if he was constitutionally correct in his act, he was morally wrong.

It would be too naïve to imagine that Hamid Ansari has taken this daring step at midnight on his own. This is just like saying that Anna Hazare was arrested in August by the Delhi police without the knowledge of Chidambaram. The question is, what has happened to the collective wisdom of UPA II? Where has the political acumen of Pranab Mukharjee gone? Where has the ethical and moral thinking of Manmohan vanished? Where has the analytical ability of Sonia disappeared? Chidambaram and Sibbal have already been extremely busy during past few months to commit blunders after blunders, so their intervention at this juncture was least expected. Even, Rahul occasionally shouts in parliament (after many rehearsals in house) with a written script in his hand and instantly migrates into an imaginary land where he feels that he is the most able person to lead the largest democracy in the world. So, for him to enter the scene with a solution was impossible either.

Did the fear of losing made UPA II do the unthinkable? A person who is afraid of losing cannot perform better. His all efforts go only towards surviving and the real issues get sidelined. Is the country today held hostage by this bunch of politicians, who are ready to forsake anything just to ensure their continuity in the government?

Just imagine, if there was an unexpected aggression from a neighboring country and the Rajya Sabha is discussing on the proposed action plan to tackle this urgent issue. Would Hamid Ansari still call off the proceeding at 12 midnight and say that the rest of discussions would continue in budget session, a few weeks later? Obviously not. Then why, in the face of an internal financial aggression, which while has been happening over past few years and rather intensified in recent months, the Rajya Sabha did not continue the debate to reach a logical conclusion?

The enactment of Lokpal will go down in the history of Indian political system as the most sham efforts ever displayed by anyone to pass a bill.

On the lighter side, let us look at what would have happened, if Hamid Ansari was in a different profession.

If he was a cricket umpire, he would have stopped the one day international match after 47^th over OR a T20 match after 19.2 overs for want of time, when the suspense is at its peak.

If he was a film director, he would not shoot the last two reels for the film, saying that the project had already overshot the timelines.

If he was an actor, he would not utter the last two words of every dialogue.

If he was a teacher, he would skip teaching last two chapters of his syllabus.

If he was a car mechanic, he would not tighten the last two bolts after servicing the car.

If he was a bus driver, he would stop the bus two stops before the destination.

If he was a male air hostess, he would not serve the passengers from last two rows in plane.

If he was a publisher, he would leave the last two chapters of any book blank.

If he was a dancer, he would stop dancing two steps before the music stops.

The list is endless…